we have pet lesbian snakes
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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