is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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