I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
