found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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