Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
