Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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