My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
