i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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