Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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