I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
