From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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