I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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