I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
