omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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