I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
