His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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