There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
