Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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