Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
