Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
