So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
