You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
