I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
