Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
