I faked an abortion last night.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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