Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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