i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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