$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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