I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize