It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
