You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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