I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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