we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
