OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
