did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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