i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
