I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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