Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And then he peed in my hair
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
