Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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