i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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