Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why is there bacon in the couch?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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