I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The air taste purple.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
