i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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