This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
