Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
