So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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