I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
