she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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