she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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