I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
