well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
