If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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