you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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