I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
