I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
