if you like me you must not know who I am
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
