So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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