i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
