it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
And then he peed in my hair
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