so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
