I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
