just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
