guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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