I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
