I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They are going to name an STD after you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
